How many hyperthyroid people does it take to change a light globe?

None. All you get is a panicked reaction like: “Oh my God! What am I going to do? First I could see two of everything; now I can’t see a thing,” followed by a lot of frantic running around in the dark.

How many hypothyroid people does it take to change a light globe?

Again, none. If you are lucky, you might get a reaction like: “What do you call that white pear-shaped thing that you plug into the socket? Do I have to get out of bed to do this?”

How many general practitioners does it take to change a light globe?

Not much luck here. GP: “The symptoms of feeling that you are in the dark are just normal symptoms of reaching middle age. I have never heard of any condition called ‘lights out’ and I have never dealt with light globes – whatever they are. Here, take some anti-depressants and see whether that helps you cope with your imagined sense of gloom.”

How many endocrinologists does it take to change a light globe?

I wouldn’t get too excited again here. The last endocrinologist who was asked this question answered: “I am not so sure we need to change this light globe. The accepted scientific test for whether the lights are on or off is to examine the light switch. If it is in the ‘on’ position then the lights must be on. Any symptoms of darkness you think you are experiencing are in your imagination and have no scientific basis. Perhaps you should go back to your GP …”

How many alternative therapists does it take to change a light globe?

“Hmm. I think we need to have broader, holistic perspective on this. Light and dark are part of a continuum and contingent upon lifestyle and diet. I have always thought that whether the lights are on or off is too black and white – too much based on a limited western scientific paradigm. Meanwhile, I would like to take just a few additional blood tests (should cost only a few hundred dollars – unfortunately not covered by Medicare) to examine the possibility of some vitamin and mineral deficiencies which could point us towards some way of re-balancing your ocular perception …”

How many close family members of thyroid condition sufferers does it take to change a light globe?

A typical response: “If I hear the word ‘light globe’ mentioned again, or if I have to put up with another conversation about various bodily sensations and symptoms of being in the dark, or what is a normal range of light and dark … I will scream!”

How many members of a thyroid support group does it take to change a light globe?

I went to a support group meeting and asked this question with the response: “Please share your story with us. I think you will find that we have all had experiences of darkness. It can be a great relief knowing that you are not the only person out there sitting in the dark.”

Christopher McDermott

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